This could be called the jerk starter pack. Follow these steps and you’ll be guaranteed to offend. And by that I mean have no friends and burn every bridge. Sure these suggestions have consequences, but hey, not my problem. You’re the one interested in getting people to not like you because you’re reading this.
How To Be A Jerk. A Jerk’s Beginner Guide.
#1 – Always Get The Last Word.
There is always more you can say. Right or wrong? It doesn’t matter. Assert yourself and be confident!
#2 – Constantly Talk About Your Pets.
Contrary to what people think, everyone cares about your pets. Especially the ones you dress up in sweaters and stuff. And especially when they are sick or lost. Show lots of pics and get butthurt when people act disinterested in your vomiting kitty stories.
#3 – Drive Like An Asshole.
This one is not hard. (The fact that there is a woman in the picture is irrelevant. It works across all genders.) When on the road, don’t use a signal, slam on your brakes, swerve randomly, and be sure to run red lights. The possibilities are endless. Just wear a seat belt because (only) your life matters.
#4 – Text While Driving.
This one is so effective it gets it’s own line. You know how to do it because you probably already do it. Be sure to hold the phone up so you can see the road!
#5 – Start Drama.
Start as much drama as you can. Gossip, start rumors, outright lie. You can’t go wrong. (Pro-tip: incorporate #1, #11, and #12 from this list and you’ll be super effective.)
#6 – Be on your phone. All. The. Time.
When archeologists find our skeletons, hopefully they find one with a cellphone in hand to explain why we all evolved into hunchbacks. Always being on your phone is a great way to ruin a friendship, even a relationship. So if you want want to spike a relationship or prevent it from happening altogether, whip out that phone and start doing whatever. Ignore everything around you.
#7 – Jump Into A Conversation.
Bored? There is undoubtedly a conversation going on somewhere and the only thing missing is you. Just walk up and add to the last thing you heard. Context be damned. Your thoughts are important and you deserve the attention.
#8 – Give Unsolicited Advice.
You know it all. You are always right and you need to let everyone know that! Doesn’t matter the topic. Parenting, politics, finances, foreign affairs, Pinterest projects, whatever. You are the expert. Share your wealth of knowledge.
#9 – Yell at someone else’s kids.
Kids need to be yelled at. If you don’t, people will think you like kids and then they will constantly bug you with pictures, videos, birthday invitations, etc. Yell at them and you will never have to deal with any of that. Do it frequently to make sure they remember you aren’t interested.